I’ve been quiet, not because nothing has happened, but because I haven’t felt much like sharing. I’ve always viewed this space as more of a professional one, somewhere to share my projects, publications, and events (Except that time I resurrected this news section in 2022, saying that I’d use it like a Journal, but then didn’t actually do it.).
Lately, though, I’ve been reminiscing about the internet as it was in the early 2000s. Specifically, I’ve been thinking about Livejournal, which people my age likely recall with fondness. I want to go back to that again, just sort of updating about whatever. No paywalls, character limits, personal brand, or whatever, to consider. I know, it’s a weird time to be thinking about this. With the perceived downfall of the American democratic experiment (empire?), what feels like a prelude to WWIII, and so much straight-up f*ckshit going on worldwide, why am I here thinking about where to put my meandering thoughts? Well, honestly, it’s because these thoughts are something I can control (maybe?) and this space is one where I have free reign.
Anyway, yeah, so I’ve been quiet. Up until about a month ago, I pretty much stopped writing poetry. In April 2016, I wrote a poem that would begin a project that I’d work on for the next five years. My idea for the project was lofty. I wanted to write a book-length poem that was a catalog of what I’d seen in different cities. I also wanted to tackle gender, my experience as an immigrant in America, but also race, and class. Needless to say, it was kind of all over the place. Over time, the concept morphed into something else, and then into something else entirely. By the time I “finished” the project, sometime in 2021, the world had completely changed. Still, I’d put so much energy into it, and I believed in it. I had some close friends and poets, whom I respect (I can’t thank them enough), read over early drafts, and made some tweaks. Then, I sent it out hoping that it would get picked up. It almost did. But then, it didn’t.
I was disappointed but didn’t want to give up. I’d open the file, read through it, and see the ways it failed at doing what I wanted it to do. Still, I’d worked on it for so long. Maybe a few tweaks would do it. After another round of edits, I sent it out again, but almost immediately pulled the submission. I no longer stood behind the work. Other poets were better equipped to write about what I’d attempted to write about. Some of the ideas in the book were solid, but others were downright lame. Worst of all, after reading through some of my older poems, I realized the thing didn’t sound like me. It just sounded like me trying to do a thing. I zipped it up and put it away, accepting the fact that it was more or less a failed experiment.
So yeah, after that I tried to start a few other projects. One became Type Something. Two others birthed poems that ended up here and here. Then, I just stopped writing.
My wife and I did some traveling with our dog and I got immersed in trying to learn a new language. I also started making mediocre, beginner-ass beats (one of which was a trap beat that my wife described as sounding “demonic”) and writing some horrible raps that the world will never see/hear/witness. Then, a month ago, something clicked. I sharpened my pen and turned on my typewriter by swiping up and using facial recognition to open the app I write in, and began writing.
All this to say, sometimes, you gotta let shit go. That’s my update.
Current mood: HVAC ambience
Posted on November 30, 2024